A diabetes flashback

I was reading through some stuff that I had written, but never posted. This one almost took my breath away. It was written over a year ago; at a time when I was feeling very alone and isolated. I think I had just discovered other D-blogs out there, but it was all still new to me. This post makes me want to cry, because those feelings are very ghost-like to me; not 100% here, but still hanging around, haunting me.

But it also shows me just how far I've come. I was at this same park I talk about in the post, just the other day. And not one of those bitter feelings came back. It's amazing how far we can travel in such a short time, even when we are weighed down by the heaviest of baggage:

Diabetes plays dirty. It will hit you when you're not looking, and does not have a problem striking where you're most vulnerable. In fact, it seems to wait until you're feeling pretty confident about yourself before it tries to KO you.

Yesterday, diabetes used me as it's own, personal punching bag; reminding me that I am not in charge here. We've been having some very bizarre BG numbers lately; I'm talking a level of 490, and then down to 50 in less than 4 hours. I know, weird.

Elise woke up pretty high yesterday morning, at 330 with a trace of ketones. We were supposed to go to our local rec center for some open gym time, something we do every Thursday. Elise loves playing with all the fun toys and other kids as much as I love getting to talk to grown-ups. But it wasn't to be. I gave Elise her insulin plus correction, she ate her breakfast and I made sure she drank a lot of water. My hope was if I checked her in an hour or so, the ketones would be gone and we could still go.

Now her ketones are small and her BG is at 490. And she is one unhappy little girl. She wants to go out for a walk, but how do you explain to an 18-month old that she's not allowed to do that right now? I try to make her drink more water, but when I offer her the cup, she throws it and starts to cry.

Fast forward to lunch and her BG is now 127. I guess the insulin is now kicking in. And the ketones are gone - Yay! She eats all her lunch and goes down for her nap. About 90 minutes later she's up and crying... and at 50. I give her 7g of carbs (anything more will take her BG sky-high), but she wants more. She's loopy, cranky and very upset. It takes about 30 minutes to calm her down. Finally her BG is at a good level.

Because she missed her morning play-time, I take her to a nearby park that is filled with laughing, screaming children. It's amazing that it's at times like these that I feel the most alone. I look at the other moms and envy how relaxed and at ease they are. I'm angry. Angry because I feel like nobody out there understands what I have to deal with. Angry because they can sit and chat with their friends without a care in the world. Angry because I am alone.

I watch Elise and worry that the exercise could make her drop low again. I tell myself to shut-up and enjoy this beautiful, sunny day with my daughter. The feelings of despair lurk, ready to pounce at any sign of weakness. Tears threaten, but I will them not to fall.

When my husband came home from work yesterday, I finally burst into tears. I had a good cry and moved on. I'm learning that this is what I need to do. I cannot dwell on it. Today is a new day; no ketones, good numbers, and we were able to go to story time at the library this morning. With a normal blood sugar level, Elise is happy and content.

If somebody had told me back then how much better I'd be doing a year later, I would have called them a liar. I still battle those feelings of despair and loneliness on an almost daily basis, but I am also thankful at how far I have come.