Using the F-Word

Used to be, when people asked me how Elise was doing, I always used the F-Word. As in fine. As in she's fine, we're fine, my whole stinkin' life is FINE (As least, that's how I would scream it in my head).

But to the person who asked the question, I would always just say, "she's doing fine". Because anything less than that was an admission of my failure. So I would put on my biggest, brightest smile and pretend that everything was okay, all the while inside I felt like I was drowning.

Because as hard as I tried, I still felt I was failing at this whole "being a pancreas" thing. But I wanted people to believe I had it all together. I also figured that nobody wanted to hear or really cared about how hard it is to care for a baby with diabetes.

But after awhile, I got tired of lying. So I started a blog. And poured out my inadequacies, my fears and most importantly, my failures. And you know what? It felt GOOD.

Then, to my utter surprise, people started reading my blog. And commenting. And saying things like, "yeah, been there, done that... you are NORMAL!" And I could scarcely believe that there were others out there who felt like I did. When Elise was first diagnosed, I felt so alone. And like nobody understood. But on my blog, I could be real and accepted all at the same time.

And now, when people who live outside my computer ask me how Elise is doing, I no longer use the F-word (unless I'm having a REALLY bad day, and it's the other F-word). I tell them how it's really going. Because I don't want to put on a facade anymore. And I think it's important for people to understand that life with D is really a day-by-day (and sometimes an hour-by-hour) disease.

So why am I blabbering on and on about being real? Because I just read a post on another blog about why it is so important to be able to be open about your struggles. It touched me so much that I just had to share it with you. It's a long read, but so worth it. You can either click on the link below or copy and paste it.

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

I'll end by saying this; if it wasn't for my blog, and all of you who have encouraged me by sharing what you struggle with, I would not be as functional as I am today. I'd most likely be curled up in a dark corner somewhere, unable to face the utter crap that life with diabetes can throw at you.

I like it much better out here, thankyouverymuch.