Like the deserts miss the rain

Thank God that week is over. I've been MIA and for good reason. Fred was out of town and my kids decided to try and kill me by not letting me sleep. Every. Single. Night.

Whether is was Elise up for 3 hours crying, the dexcom alerting to numbers that were off by sometimes as much as 200, stubborn lows, or Mattias waking up every 90 minutes, which happened every night while Fred was gone. Combine all that with the usual feeding problems and it was a nightmare.

But he's back, and I am so, so thankful. He is an awesome husband and does whatever it takes to support me. Even though his flight came in at 12:30 am, almost two hours late, he came home and talked me down from a very tall ledge (for reasons I'll get to in a moment). Mwah! Love ya, Freddie!

I am also thankful for my friend Liz, who came over twice, brought me lunch, and listened as I did the "ugly cry" for two hours. She also gave me some very wonderful advice, which I appreciate even more because I know it wasn't easy for her to do, because she was unsure of how I would take it. Thank you Liz, it's the REAL friend who will tell you the stuff you don't necessarily want to hear.

I started taking a prescription drug for my nursing issues. I was very leery about taking it because of the side effects, but after learning Mattias hadn't gained any weight in 3 weeks, I felt I had no choice. It has been wonderful and awful all at the same time.

Wonderful because my supply has almost doubled and I've only been taking it for a few days. Since I started, Mattias stopped waking up every 90 minutes at night, and only woke up once to feed. Ah-MA-zing! He also seems more content during the day.

Awful because the side effects really are terrible. During the day, the fatigue is so bad I feel like I'm going to fall over. I can't concentrate and can barely form a coherent sentence. And at night I lay in bed, suffering through panic attacks. The night Fred got home, it was really bad. I had gone to bed at 9:30, and was unable to fall asleep (read: pass out from sheer exhaustion) until almost 3:00 am. I cannot even begin to explain how horrible it felt. I was so tired, but couldn't sit still. At one point I remember thinking if removed my pjs and went walking out in the pouring rain, I would be okay (yeah... weird. I know). Thankfully, Fred came home and sat with me, attempting to calm me down.

After all that, you'd think I would stop taking it, right? Not so much. I did cut my dose (after consulting my doctor) in half, but I have my reasons for continuing.

The way I look at it is this; as parents of a diabetic, we don't have to wake up 2 - 3 (sometimes more) times a night to check our kids. In fact, some endos don't understand why we do it. But we do. For our kids. For their safety. For their health. Often at the detriment of our own. Because we would do anything to avoid the unimaginable.

Now Mattias will not starve, but to me his health is at risk. He started in the 50th percentile for weight and now he's in the 10th. He has feeding issues and I will do anything I can to help him.

The good news is the lower dose doesn't make me quite as crazy. I still get agitated, but I can deal with it. I'm also not going to take it at bedtime, because that I can't deal with.

If you've made it this far, congrats. I know there has been a lot going on in the DOC lately, but I haven't had time time or energy to blog, read other blogs or comment. Those of you who are going through the fire right now, please know that you are in my prayers.

Hopefully I'll get my crap together soon. Because I miss you guys.