I have a very loud, persistent inner monologue. In fact, it almost never shuts off. Lately, it's been causing me to focus my sights on Mattias.
We're only a few days away from his 11th month-aversary. Which means we're just over 1 month away from him being the age that Elise was when she was diagnosed.
Now LOGICALLY, I know that just because Elise has diabetes, it doesn't mean Mattias will. But I also know it doesn't mean he won't.
And LOGICALLY, I know that the chances of him being diagnosed at the exact same age as Elise was, are minuscule. But I also know that it could happen.
So I have a stream of consciousness, an inner monologue that almost reads like a James Joyce novel. It is peppered with "what ifs" and "but maybes".
"Wow, he seems to be nursing for a long time these last few days, what if he's thirsty because of diabetes?"
"But maybe he is just thirsty because it's so hot out."
"Gee, Mattias has been taking long naps this week. He's also seemed so hungry too. What if I should be paying attention to these symptoms?"
"But maybe he's just going through a growth spurt."
"His BG check came up as 89. What if I'm not catching it at the right time?"
"But maybe I am."
"What if Mattias has diabetes?"
"But maybe he won't ever be diagnosed and all this worry is for nothing."
And so on it goes. The "what ifs" keep me dwelling on the negative. Living in fear that any day could be the day.
The "but maybes" scare me too. Could I be rationalizing it too much? Could it cause me to miss something?
I think I've finally come to the realization that I need to dam that stream of consciousness and shut the inner monologue up.
Worrying will change nothing. Who has ever changed anything by worrying? If Mattias is to get diabetes, then no amount of fretting will change that. And besides, if it never comes to pass, how much of my time and energy was wasted on worry?
Because as Doris Day once sang, "que sera, sera."
It's time to stop being afraid of a future that's not mine to see.
I'll let you know how it goes...
10 months ago
sometimes I'd like to strangle my inner voice. I hope you are able to silence yours for a while when it comes to Mattias. Hugs to you Jo! :o)
ReplyDeleteCharlotte was 26 months when she was diagnosed...I can remember feeling like I was holding my breath for the weeks leading up to Amelia (my youngest) hitting that 26 month mark...I was so relieved when it came and went with no new diagnosis. That's not to say I don't still have that persistent internal voice haunting me every now and again...I wish I could shut it off. I sure hope you're able to shut yours off and get some peace! Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteHoly Crap, hello!! you just took the words right out of my mouth. It is such a good feeling to have others going as crazy as you are :) lol
ReplyDeleteCody just turned 3 and very soon he will be hitting the age that Cara was diagnosed and let me tell you I'm right there with you!!
I know that fear...but in a backwards way, with the older being the non-d, we still guess but only on behavior not age. We think that Ethan has had over 5 yrs without d and Isaac only got a year and half...we count our blessings while we shove away our fears. I wish that were something I could help you with, I wish I could shut up my inner voice so often, too.
ReplyDeleteTake care friend :)
Your inner voice and my inner voice need to talk to each other so they can leave us alone!! :)
ReplyDeleteThere are times when Bug is acting 'off' and D is the first thing that pops into my mind. Hate that!
So true that the future isn't ours to see...frustrating, but true!
start singing, babe! ;)
Show me that smile again (show me that smile)
Don't waste another minute on your crying
...
I used to struggle with the same thing...however Bridget was older...and we got a few 151s and 160s...which made me crap my pants. She has been fine since. I don't even check her. I know we wont miss the symptoms if the ever come to fruition.
ReplyDeleteLove you. I get you. I hope that your inner mind can give you a rest Jo.
I can imagine how you feel with your son coming up on the same age as Elise's diagnosis. Those inner voices are hard to get rid of! I freak out when I see my older son take a bottle of water to bed. I can hardly stand to test him without making myself sick.
ReplyDeleteWe just went through potty training with my two year old. We caught d with my 4 year old when we were potty training. I've been worrying the same way as you have. But, then I remember I have three older ones that don't have it. I still can't help testing the 2 year old every month or so...Oh well, what will be will be. Really, it sounds like all of us moms go through the same thing. So, know that you're not the only one!
ReplyDeleteI was diagnosed with T1D at the age of 3. My father had T1D (diagnosed at age 5) and my grandmother had two siblings who died from T1D at the ages of 5 and 7 because they developed T1D before insulin was discovered. My sister, who is now in her 20s, still has an estimated 25% chance of developing t1D in her lifetime, although this statistic changes depending on who you talk to. Once T1d is in your family, you never stop worrying. All you can do is remind that inner voice that there is nothing you can really do and try your best to ignore it. That said, I worry about my sister every day, wondering if she would get to the doctor in time should she start to develop symptoms. Everytime I talk with her, I ask her if she has had her BG checked (it has been recommended that she check it periodically).
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry sorry joanne.....Ive been here myself. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteEach of my younger 2 girls...I would look at them at the exact age of her dx (to the day) and stand in awe at how little she was...and how far we've come.
ReplyDeleteI feel like I've seen Elise grow up...we've been bloggy pals for so long.
No matter what...it'll be okay.
I completely understand.
My second child has T1D, but when Child #1 seemed sluggish, thirsty, and and tired, I made him check his bg. It was normal. Turned out he just had a cold.... But I do get paranoid. Hell, I once thought that the DOG had diabetes. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. Since I have diabetes myself, I constantly worry that Patrick is going to get it. I over analyze everything. I pray that our inner voices will shut up and let us enjoy our boys! :)
ReplyDeletei hope that seeing all the support from these comments helps to quiet that voice. didn't you once say you had names for the gut feelings you get? were they bert and ernie? i can't recall. anyway, you should name this other inner voice and tell him to take a long walk off a short pier! easier said than done, i know.
ReplyDeleteThere is a quote on my kitchen wall that reads: 'Worrying does not empty tomorrow of it's troubles, it empties today of it's strength." - Mary Engelbreit
ReplyDeleteHere's to less worrying and more living sweet Joanne!
Here's to loud, persistent interior monologues. :) I knew there was a reason we got along so well.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are struggling with this. I know this feeling well. Big hugs, friend! I miss you.
I just saw this on facebook, and it is brilliant:
ReplyDelete"When you worry, you are putting a down payment on a problem you may never have."
Hugs! You are SO right, worrying won't change anything...so don't worry until you have to.
Love you!