Our pump trials are done. It was... interesting. I think we've made our decision.
Both pumps had their definite pros and cons. The Omnipod's rep was wonderful, the insertion went swimmingly, but the pod is just so stinking big on her tiny body, and we had an issue where it ripped off the adhesive and was hanging by the cannula.
I didn't feel as connected to the Animas rep, and the insertion was AWFUL. Elise cried so much, and I almost lost it. She really liked carrying the pump around, but balked at having to wear her tummitote with the dexcom and the pump.
The tubing was another issue, and Elise got it in her head that if it was getting in the way, she could just disconnect the pump. I told her if this is the pump we choose, then she can't do that. The day we started the trial, Elise had ballet. She was wearing the site on her leg and we couldn't get it to work with her tights and the tubing.
Plus Mattias saw that tubing as a fun toy to yank on. Same with the Omnipod. Sigh, the world is his playground.
So we did the trial. We've picked our pump. Then why is the paperwork still sitting on my coffee table, still not filled out?
I know it's time. She's ready. She asks about the pump almost every day. But it seems that I am not ready.
I am not ready to leave behind what is comfortable. What I know. What I can do with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. The insulin regime we're on might not look nice, but it's all we know.
It's change, and if you've been reading my ramblings for very long, you know that I fear change. Abhor it, really. Change and I are not well met.
Of course, it doesn't help that every time I get ready to pull the trigger, we get a string of glorious numbers that give me pause to this whole pump thing.
I KNOW it is the best thing for Elise, and that's the worst part. It's making me feel like a terrible Mom for delaying this thing as much as I have. I am bad, bad, BAD.
How on earth do I get the courage to jump off of this cliff?
10 months ago
Take your time. You will know when it is the right time and you both will do great with the change.
ReplyDeleteI agree . . . take your time. No pressure, especially since she is doing so well on shots. When you are ready, I think you will love it and more importantly, you will be successful with it. You just do when you are ready and not a second sooner. <3
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY feel the same same with your thoughts on this Jo...I was right where you are back in May of this year. I hate change, I feared the pump, Emma was ready and I was terrified. You CAN do this though. You will stomp all over that fear of taking the leap into pump-ville. You will face the fear head on when the time is right for you. Take your time and breathe. You are NOT a bad Momma either...you are amazing! So stop that talk missy! :o)
ReplyDeleteWay to leave us all in suspense! But, I guess you're leaving yourself in a little bit of suspense, too. Either way you can find success. Pumping is better, until something goes wrong -- then shots seem better, for sheer reliability's sake. Cross the threshold, and things will get easier everyday...
ReplyDeleteChange is hard. This kind of change is really hard. But it's ok to jump, we are all here, you will rock the pump like you have rocked shots. If Elise is ready, then take the leap for her and embrace moving forward. I think once Elise is on the pump and on it for a while, you will look back and wonder why you waited so long. It will become your new normal. I know you will rock it Joanne. You will be ready when you are ready. All will be well.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up. Jack's diaversary is today. 4 years in and we're still on MDI. That's partly due to our insurance, which doesn't cover the pump. That's also partyly due to our endo, who's loves gadgets and technology and always has the latest and greatest, but who doesn't believe that pumping is the best way to manage D. He believes it's *one* way, but not *the* way. He will fully support us when we do start pumping, but he has never once encouraged us to get a pump. Quite the opposite. He's discouraged us. And he's regarded as one of the top endos in our state.
ReplyDeleteGo with your gut. When you're ready, and when Elise is ready, you'll know it. If that time is now, then go for it. If it's not, it's okay to wait.
I know how tough this is! I struggle with it, too.
No matter what, you're a wonderful mother!!!!
Such a hard decision, isn't it? That said, whichever pump you chose...remember that it doesn't have to be the pump you use forever. And you can always go back to MDI whenever you want!
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, until you live with it for awhile, you really don't know how the pump will mesh with her life. We love the Ping, but since school started, we DO NOT love the tubing. We seem to have many more issues with it than others do - Adam is super active and I've had to do no less than 6 site changes due to pulled tubing at school since school started. And I know it's not that way for everyone.
And as an aside (something you don't have to deal with!) when he tries to dress himself Adam has gotten his tubing caught in his, um...nether-regions? And for a boy, can you imagine how much that hurts? I try not to laugh...but I know he hates it.)
I am strongly considering switching to Omnipod soon - Adam plays with his tubing a lot too, and it has become a hassle for him. I wish there was a way we could actively use BOTH pumps, depending on the situation....so much to think about.
Anyway, look, I wrote a novel! Guess I should write a blog post or something...ha! :)
I totally get what you are saying about the insulin regime being all you know...for us too! When you are ready you will fill out that paperwork and send it knowing the best is yet to come not only for Elise but you too. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou are not bad....quite the opposite I'd say. If you know you're not ready to make the leap for any reason and MDI is working for Elise than don't push yourself. We love our pump and for us it was the best decision we made especially at the time we made the switch, but I wouldn't say that that is going to be true for everyone. It's a VERY individualized decision and both Elise and you have to be ready to make it for it to work out and be a successful transition. Don't beat yourself up over it. Everything will fall into place when (and only when) it's the right time for you all! In the meantime, you're doing an awesome job as a mama pancreas!
ReplyDeleteYou are not bad, bad, bad, and if I knew your password I would go in and delete that from your entry!!!. . .and then from your brain! :))
ReplyDeleteYou are a mom who is pretty gosh darn good at doing a job you never asked for and just taking a deep breath before moving on to a different part of the job. And that is OKAY! :)
ps. my siblings are actually still on shots not pumps. no doctor has ever pushed it with them and i think they are just comfortable where they are at. everyone on pumps i've met though can't believe it and insist they would like it much better. but i guess they are not interested.
With D, we rarely have the opportunity to make long-term decisions. The main ones we get to make are quick and dirty - blous calcs and temporary basal adjustments for the situation. To pump or not, and then WHAT pump, are big, long and complicated decisions to work through. Especially when the only decision all of us want to make is "What would you do for a cure".
ReplyDeleteYou know you will rocks whatever you do, right?! We all know it . . . . come on and jump on our bandwagon ;)
you just gotta do it Jo! And remember if you don't want to start right away once it's there that's okay, too. No worries :)
ReplyDeletei hope you know this doesn't make you a bad mom. like everyone else says, you'll know when the time is right. hang in there.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Sweets was the one who really wanted the pump. I figured it would be awhile. But she saw it and that was that. She wanted one. And mdi was so awful for us.... I guess I'm saying that we each domwhat is right for our own kid. We ran into the arms if pumping as fast as possible. And I've never regretted it. But if she hadn't been so keen on it.... If mdi hadn't been so gut wrenching... Who knows? You will do what is right for all of you when the time is right. Because you ARE a good Mom. But don't fear change. Sometimes it leads us to something more wonderful than we ever dreamed possible!
ReplyDeleteYou know, Sweets was the one who really wanted the pump. I figured it would be awhile. But she saw it and that was that. She wanted one. And mdi was so awful for us.... I guess I'm saying that we each domwhat is right for our own kid. We ran into the arms if pumping as fast as possible. And I've never regretted it. But if she hadn't been so keen on it.... If mdi hadn't been so gut wrenching... Who knows? You will do what is right for all of you when the time is right. Because you ARE a good Mom. But don't fear change. Sometimes it leads us to something more wonderful than we ever dreamed possible!
ReplyDeleteIt's great that Elise is ready, but you need to be ready too. And you will. Give yourself a break and stop the guilt. We all have enough! You will be ready one day soon and the whole process will be better. You are awesome!! Don't forget that!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI cant even explain how I felt these same ways. We did go with the Omni Pod but it was the right choice for us. I have had a hard time adjusting to "trusting" the PDM but I am getting past it knowing that I can let him "snack" now and we are able to treat for such small amounts now verus 1/2 units before. You will make the right choice for you just know that when you do choose to do it you have us to lean on. Also we had a reason to jump our insurance was changing. Not sure if I would have been so quick to do it with out that kick in the pants. Love you
ReplyDeleteTransitioning to the pump IS scary! I was so scared - even as a grown woman with 28 years of diabetes under my belt at that time. It's okay if you aren't quite ready yet. Give yourself the time you need to feel ready to make that next step. Sure, it will still be a little scary - but once you are ready and take that step, I bet it will go so smoothly!!
ReplyDeleteShe was 3 when we started pumping. I wasn't ready. I had a window of opportunity before Baby #3 came, and it was then or never. I knew I couldn't handle the rigid schedule of MDI with 3 kids under 3.
ReplyDeleteBut I was NOT ready.
It took me a long long long time before I felt trusting of the pump, and comfortable with my decision to do it.
Had it not been for the impending birth of #3, I'm not sure I ever would have jumped.
Four years later, and I can honestly say I'm so happy we did. We've never had major tubing issues...I can't even remember the last time she pulled out a site.
Each CWD, each family, each experience with D is unique. You've made your choice, and that's half the battle.
That being said, choosing to stick with shots is okay too!!!!!
And, for the record, you are a ROCKIN' MAMA! Choosing to wait -- or not pump at all -- doesn't define the wonderful Mama you are.
I am going through the exact same thing...I can't even bring myself to do the trial with my son because I am so afraid of the unknown.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I am so behind on reading and commenting. I can SO relate to your feelings. Shots is going well for us (as well as can be expected) and I am not ready to make the move to the pump. Natalie is so against it. So, did Elise feel the same before and what made her change her mind? I know we will eventually move to the pump and I'm sure we will be happy with that decision, but I agree, it is so hard to leave what you know. I am laughing about Stephanie's comment about poor Adama and the tubing! I can't wait to read how this all works out for you.
ReplyDeleteI know you chose your pump already. Three (perhaps)unnecessary issues stand out: Animas pumps and tubing... you can wrap most of the tubing around a tube guard that you can place on the back of the Animas pump. Works really well, but you then can't use Animas's pump clip; would have to use a waist pack or pocket for the pump. Pain during insertion.... shame shame on endo or nurse/CDE chosing thigh for first pump insertion, when tush area has so much padding and would be more comfortable. I know you use Dex; but initially pump start would have been less traumatic on tush. And.. was EMLA used? in the right sized amount and left on at least an hour, better yet, 1 hour and 15 minutes, so area is fully anesthesized. For those endos who refuse to prescribe EMLA, I would like to have them volunteer for a site change -- in the thigh-- courtesy of Elise! Young children have very little fat on their body. Endos need to be sensitive to the needs of these young children. You are the best at what you do; have a young baby to take care of; you have to pump when you have the energy and mindset to make the change, not before.
ReplyDelete