The birthday that never came

December 26.

I have been dreading this day.  The day I was supposed to meet my son. I wish it could have been avoided, but the month has carried me to this day, much like a riptide carries one out to sea.   I was helpless against it.

Since July 21, there have been a lot of "supposed to's", but obviously this one is the hardest. My actual due date was January 1, but Nicolas was scheduled to arrive via c-section today.

There is so much I want to say, but losing Nicolas has stemmed the flow of words.  Writing through such sorrow is not easy for me because the emotions are so overwhelming I don't know how to express them.  Not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of him.  I would even go so far as to say not an hour passes without him being on my mind.

The day he was born was so traumatizing (I could seriously teach a class on how not to treat a woman in my situation), that I missed out on really seeing my son and saying goodbye.  The time I had with him was short and is already fading in my mind.  I wanted to write him a letter to say all the things I never got to tell him.

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Dear Nicolas,

Today was to be your day.  The day I would finally hold you in my arms and our family would be complete. I cannot describe the ache in both my arms and my heart today.

There is so much I wonder about you... hair colour, eye colour, height and weight. But so much more than that.  Who would you be? What would your life become?  There is such sadness in possibilities never realized. I long to see how your piece would have fit into our family puzzle.

Though I only carried you for 17 short weeks, you are forever with me.  I carry your named engraved upon a bracelet on my wrist, your initial graces a pendant I wear, and your soul is forever stamped on mine.

I am sorry. So sorry that I never got the chance to meet you. To look into your tiny eyes and kiss your nose.  I'm sorry for all the snuggles I missed and hours in the middle of the night when it was just you and I. The stories never read and lullabies never sung.

Finally, I want you to know how loved you are.  So very loved.  Your brother and sister still talk about you.  In their world, the span of a week is a lifetime, so it seems you are eternally on their minds as well.  In fact, to them you are a part of the family, just as they are.  Your sister was telling someone just the other day that she has three brothers. 

Merry Christmas Nicolas. The only thing missing is you

And so, my sweet boy, Happy supposed-to-be Birthday.  I miss you.  I love you.  I always will.

Love,
Your Mama

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind always be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

and rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand