We've never really celebrated Elise's diaversary. Not for lack of wanting to, but because it comes two days after her birthday, the day before Mattias's birthday, a week after mine, plus it's mashed in there with school starting. There's just a lot going on in a span of a few weeks.
We always acknowledge it; praise Elise for how brave she is, talk about how far we've come, and how thankful we are for discoveries and technology. The day is bittersweet, because it is not only the day our lives irrevocably changed, but also the day our daughter's life was saved.
Today marks a year since we lost Nicolas. I have been dreading its coming for weeks, because slowly I was being transported back to a time of such intense bleakness and pain, I was afraid I would never emerge.
How to you acknowledge the passing of a life you never knew, except for the 17 weeks you carried him? One that you loved from the moment you discovered he existed, but you never got to tell him? A life you've always wanted, but was never meant to be?
Today he would be almost 7 months old. Learning to crawl. Discovering solid foods. He would have attended his first FFL with us.
Just like with Elise's diagnosis, I get mired down in the "what ifs". And it's a dangerous spiral. So just like with Elise, I want to try and look towards hope.
I know where he is. I know I will see him again. I know that he is not in pain and will never have to suffer the sadness of this world.
And I am thankful to the kind friends who have already reached out today. Remembering that my son was here and will always be a part of my family. Acknowledging that his life had meaning.
It is this hope that will get me through. And knowing that if Nicolas cannot be in my arms, then resting in the arms of Jesus is not a bad place at all to be.
11 months ago
You are so brave and such a blessing. My heart still aches for you, I think of you often. I am again so sorry for your loss, having to go through such grief, I continue to pray for you. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful mother. They are blessed to have you. XO
ReplyDeleteJuly is busy for you, and sometimes we skip diaversaries too. No worries.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your sadness, it's hard not to do all the what if questions after a loss. We still know how old all of our babies would be..it's hard. : ( We'd have two starting kindergarten this fall. Sadness.
Thinking of you today and sending hugs and lots of prayers to you.
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